Tentative Title: Guardian Dark - NonWitchblade Fanfiction and Orginal Fiction - Creativity - Witchblade Connections - Message Board - Yuku

RSS
Email

0 Kudo

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

Author	Comment
QuirannaLylith.witchbladeffwri...	Tentative Title: Guardian Dark	Lead	[-]
Posts: 50 (11/03/08 09:31:42) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None I promised Lemna that I would get this story started. It's been an idea that has rolled and tumbled in my head, and is where I get my handle from. All characters and plot are my own. Any similarities to other's work is purely coincidence. Please don't use any of my characters or ideas without my permission. Simply message me and get my permission first. I hope it is liked...I have written and re-written this story 4 times. I'm hoping to be satisfied with this. But this particular storyteller and Muse are picky I digress, and will let you move onto the story I am losing my mind. I would swear on a thousand bibles I am. I'm hearing voices, a voice actually. That does mean that I'm going insane, right? I'm either insane or a witch. She's telling me her name. It sounds like Kiri or Kirianna or something. That voice, though. I know it. My life is hell. My parents think I'm completely possessed because I'm not their little girl anymore. And I know that I'm different. But I can't stop myself. I can't be the person I was before. Everything is changed. They keep asking why. Why? Why? Why? I can't answer them. I can't tell the truth. Now the voice is telling me that she knows my secret. That she knows how I feel. How the hell could she possibly know how I feel? How could she know my secret when I've never written the words or spoken it out loud? So she has to be lying. She's trying to trick me to make me tell her. What the hell? This is almost hysterically funny, and I'm laughing in my head. I'm debating whether the voice in my head knows anything about me. I am losing my mind. I'm laying down now. I'm so tired and my brain feels like mush. My mother is storming around downstairs. She woke up in a bad mood and it hadn't gotten any better. So I'm avoiding her, because I don't want to fight. I feel bad for leaving dad to deal with her alone. But I don't feel bad enough to venture out of my room. I didn't realize I fell asleep until I looked around and didn't recognize the place I was in. I'd never been here before. My mind always seemed to take me to all kinds of places, most of which I'd never been. The room was dark, but there were candles lit everywhere. I was scared. A Connections Kinda Girl ~Mistress Qui~ ~An angelic demon, who would've thought?~ " So I'll cash my checks and place my bets, and hope I'll always win, even if I don't I'm f*cked because, I live a life of sin..." -Pink- "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I am out of control and, at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe- Last Edited By: QuirannaLylith 11/24/08 22:02:26. Edited 3 times.
robinhood56	Interesting	#1	[-]
Posts: 1555 (11/10/08 15:25:11) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Interesting character and certainly a new slant on succubi. I do feel I need to tell you your opening is a bit wordy. I understand where you are going and the feel you are aiming for and your description are very good. I think it might have been better if you had saved some information until it could be presented as part of the story rather than hitting the reader with it all at once. I'll be very interested in seeing where you take the character and just who her charge turns out to be. Do continue.
QuirannaLylith.witchbladeffwri...	Thank you	#2	[-]
Posts: 52 (11/10/08 16:50:52) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you very much Robin. I have a question. Can you tell me how to fix/edit the wordiness...This character seems to be oh so proper in her speech, and she seems to be very picky and fastidious. Can you tell me how to make it not so....I don't have a word. HELP!!! lol. A Connections Kinda Girl ~Mistress Qui~ ~An angelic demon, who would've thought?~ " So I'll cash my checks and place my bets, and hope I'll always win, even if I don't I'm f*cked because, I live a life of sin..." -Pink- "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I am out of control and, at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe-
KatrinaHawke		#3	[-]
Posts: 772 (11/14/08 19:22:47) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Greetings! I agree w/Robin, and the best fix-it is to remember the phrase "show, don't tell". Like Robin said, let some of the info flow into the story over time as it becomes needful to have it known. And let the info you are giving now be more active - from her interactions with her peers, etc. More description in the now. I believe in flashbacks, don't get me wrong. However, here to my mind you haven't quite established the now that renders the need for the 'then'. One of the folk I've read for writing advice suggests that if the first thing you encounter in your story is a flashback, perhaps you are not starting your story in the right place. Something perhaps to think on. That said, this could be a very interesting world. The problems aren't anything that can't be solved by a good stiff rewrite. So, forge onward & let the story come out! -Bird ______________________ Time heals some wounds, but friends help make the scars less visible. – XRaven "The sum of one's true worth can only really be measured by the vastness of one's imagination and willingness to dream." – Ivy Had any dreams lately? – Ian Nottingham “I’m an artiste!!! What do you think I do – just sit down and put words on paper???!!!�?
KatrinaHawke		#4	[-]
Posts: 773 (11/14/08 19:40:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Greetings! Here is a suggestion for a rewrite of the first two paragraphs. I can go through the specific changes for you at some point if you'd like, but overall it was a matter of immersing the reader in the scene, cutting anything that wasn't strictly necessary, and enlivening both the sentence structure and the word choices. When not used to excess, both variety & synonyms are your friends. "I awoke in darkness, shivering. There was not a sliver of light around me with which to make out even the tiniest detail. Covered now in goosebumps, I felt the fear that called to the human inside me, making her cower and shiver. I, the ranna, the succubi demon, lived in the shadows. My home was the black void. So I felt no qualms about being surrounded by inky depths. But the human, she had always feared the dark. I reached out, trying to discover where, when, and perhaps even how my circumstances had come to be. I heard the faint sound of my own heartbeat and breathing. I heard a voice that was impossible to comprehend, and many other voices that were like a quiet buzz, a mere distraction that should be ignored. I smelled...nothing. The air had no odor, pleasant or otherwise. That registered in my brain, and put all instincts on high alert. It wasn't lost on I or my human counterpart that this lack of smell was something that would not bode well for either of us. " There are a myriad of other possibilities of course, but hopefully this will give you an idea of what is being meant. -Bird ______________________ Time heals some wounds, but friends help make the scars less visible. – XRaven "The sum of one's true worth can only really be measured by the vastness of one's imagination and willingness to dream." – Ivy Had any dreams lately? – Ian Nottingham “I’m an artiste!!! What do you think I do – just sit down and put words on paper???!!!�?
KatrinaHawke		#5	[-]
Posts: 774 (11/14/08 19:41:46) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Greetings! And overall, I wouldn't stress perfection as of yet. Pretty much all the writing-advice folk say to just get the story down and then fix it in the rewrites. Otherwise, you'll be there for sixty years, and still never have a story at the end of it. Good Fortune! -Bird ______________________ Time heals some wounds, but friends help make the scars less visible. – XRaven "The sum of one's true worth can only really be measured by the vastness of one's imagination and willingness to dream." – Ivy Had any dreams lately? – Ian Nottingham “I’m an artiste!!! What do you think I do – just sit down and put words on paper???!!!�?
QuirannaLylith.witchbladeffwri...	Reply to Bird	#6	[-]
Posts: 53 (11/15/08 12:35:48) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I do, indeed think I'm starting in the wrong place....I've got a new paragraph that I'm sending you via email. Instead of starting from Qui's POV, I'm thinking of starting with her charge. So I will await you to tell me what you think. A Connections Kinda Girl ~Mistress Qui~ ~An angelic demon, who would've thought?~ " So I'll cash my checks and place my bets, and hope I'll always win, even if I don't I'm f*cked because, I live a life of sin..." -Pink- "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I am out of control and, at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe-
QuirannaLylith.witchbladeffwri...	Memo for all	#7	[-]
Posts: 57 (11/24/08 22:05:45) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I completely re wrote my first post. I took everyone's advice and my beta (Thank you Birdy) seems to like this much better. Let's see if you all agree? A Connections Kinda Girl ~Mistress Qui~ ~An angelic demon, who would've thought?~ " So I'll cash my checks and place my bets, and hope I'll always win, even if I don't I'm f*cked because, I live a life of sin..." -Pink- "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I am out of control and, at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe-

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

Quick Reply