Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (QuirannaLylith) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:05:45 GMT

I completely re wrote my first post. I took everyone's advice and my beta (Thank you Birdy) seems to like this much better. Let's see if you all agree?

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (QuirannaLylith) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 12:35:48 GMT

I do, indeed think I'm starting in the wrong place....I've got a new paragraph that I'm sending you via email. Instead of starting from Qui's POV, I'm thinking of starting with her charge. So I will await you to tell me what you think.

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (KatrinaHawke) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:41:46 GMT

Greetings!

And overall, I wouldn't stress perfection as of yet. Pretty much all the writing-advice folk say to just get the story down and then fix it in the rewrites. Otherwise, you'll be there for sixty years, and still never have a story at the end of it.

Good Fortune!
-Bird

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (KatrinaHawke) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:40:19 GMT

Greetings!

Here is a suggestion for a rewrite of the first two paragraphs. I can go through the specific changes for you at some point if you'd like, but overall it was a matter of immersing the reader in the scene, cutting anything that wasn't strictly necessary, and enlivening both the sentence structure and the word choices. When not used to excess, both variety & synonyms are your friends.

...

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (KatrinaHawke) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:22:47 GMT

Greetings!

I agree w/Robin, and the best fix-it is to remember the phrase "show, don't tell". Like Robin said, let some of the info flow into the story over time as it becomes needful to have it known. And let the info you are giving now be more active - from her interactions with her peers, etc.

More description in the now. I believe in flashbacks, don't get me wrong. However, here to my mind you haven't quite established the now that renders the...

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (QuirannaLylith) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:50:52 GMT

Thank you very much Robin. I have a question. Can you tell me how to fix/edit the wordiness...This character seems to be oh so proper in her speech, and she seems to be very picky and fastidious. Can you tell me how to make it not so....I don't have a word. HELP!!! lol.

Re: Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (robinhood56) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:25:11 GMT

Interesting character and certainly a new slant on succubi. I do feel I need to tell you your opening is a bit wordy. I understand where you are going and the feel you are aiming for and your description are very good. I think it might have been better if you had saved some information until it could be presented as part of the story rather than hitting the reader with it all at once. I'll be very interested in seeing where you take the character and just who her charge turns out to be....

Tentative Title: Guardian Dark

feeds@yuku.com (QuirannaLylith) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 09:31:42 GMT

I promised Lemna that I would get this story started. It's been an idea that has rolled and tumbled in my head, and is where I get my handle from. All characters and plot are my own. Any similarities to other's work is purely coincidence. Please don't use any of my characters or ideas without my permission. Simply message me and get my permission first. I hope it is liked...I have written and re-written this story 4 times. I'm...